Inside My Head

Inside my head has been a space of wonder, light, darkness, survival, safety, love, desperation, hope, fear, faith, and divinity. 

Inside my head is a place I once yearned to escape, a place I would run so far from. I was scared of what lay inside my head. I shoved it down, I silenced it in ways of suppressing. I would drink it away, take drugs and numb it away. I would do anything to not be in my head. I fought battles daily for years all while desperately trying to ignore the darkness that was taking me over. I shined my light less and less. I dimmed myself over and over and over. All while also keeping the darkness tucked down so deep I often forgot it layed there dormantly yearning to escape the depths in which I had placed it. I was not allowing my light to explore the darkness. I was willingly letting the darkness win. I was slowly gradually being swallowed by it. 

" The traumas were running my life almost like the government tries to do with us. "

The traumas took a role within my head that carelessly led my life. It was driving, guiding, and making what felt like all of my decisions from a place of darkness, of survival, and of desperation.

It darkened me.

I let the external lead me. I let my ego lead me. I let the darkness suck me up whole. I didn't care at the time. I didn't care at all. I just was going through the motions in the worst way. 

I wasn't happy. I wasn't having fun, truly. I was numbing so much to feel nothing. Then whatever I used to cope wore off id either go off the deep end or do it all over again. I never knew what it was. I went to therapists and psychologists for years taking med after med after med. Yet I was still never happy for long, I still felt lost, stuck, and trapped. 

I used everything I could to try to fill the emptiness I felt within. 

I didn't care. I didn't care about myself. I didn't care about anyone else.

 I was simply going through the motions with the darkness and ego freely driving within me. 

I was drowning. I was suffocating. I was ready to throw in the flag. I was ready to let the darkness within take over entirely. I was ready to give up and give in. I was tired of not being able to float, to breathe. 

All I wanted was to leave.

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Something within me though didn't ever agree for me to give up, It never gave me the option, it wasn't ever in the plan. 

This something within me, It was my soul.

My soul was so tired. My soul was drained. My soul continuously fought and fought. 

I didn't know what was happening then like I do now. 

I was continuously shoving the whispers of my soul down and choosing to keep ignoring everything that was happening inside me.

So as I was midway though giving up, throwing my arms up and surrendering completely… 

Something hit me. Something lit within me. 

A fire, a desire, hope, and faith.

I had thought I was feeling a shift for a while before this point hit. 

But at this moment it felt like my higher self, my soul, God, all of the divinity that has been watching my life unfold decided this chapter was to be closed. 

A whisper that rippled within me like a harp. It vibrated within me.

 It felt like hope, it felt like faith. It felt like freedom in a way I have never felt. 

It was then I started my journey of returning home, a returning to myself, my soul. 

The uncovering of what was inside my head, but this time I went in with love, faith, forgiveness, acceptance, and trust. 

I freed myself from the shackles of the darkness at this moment. 

I heard the cry from the light within letting me know we are here to overcome, to persevere, to survive and be able to tell the story. 

It was not a big drastic change externally, everything started within. 

A shift of mindset, one day at a time, with presence, faith, patience, grace, understanding, forgiveness, and unconditional love. 

For me to sit here now writing this feels unreal. The only way I can describe it is simply beautiful. 

To be writing this at a time where it has almost been 3 years on this journey of an up hill climb. 

To see how magically and beautifully my life has unfolded within this time. How many times I have stumbled a couple steps back and kept pushing forward. 

To see the life I have created within this time transforms daily into such magic. 

To finally be able to go within the depths of me and still hold space and love. 

I share this all with you now to say, you can change at any point, and you hold all the power within you already. 

Ask and  listen to the whispers of your soul. 

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